Monday, April 11, 2016


Decision making can be difficult.  I always fear that I would make the wrong decision because I either didn't see all the options or even I didn't listen to I was suppose to listen to.  You can pray about a decision and wait on the Lord regarding that situation but I don't believe that God verbally talks to you in a voice so that you know exactly what to do.  Before it seemed easier to make those life changing decisions.  What college, major, grad school or even who to marry.  They weren't quick decisions too but they came easy for me to make and at the end of each decision I was at total peace.  God has been showing me more of His grace with decision making. 

Lately there has been peace, my heart still tugs towards something else.  Actually there was peace in the beginning but I don't know if it's because I was forcing myself to feel the peace since we made a decision against what I wanted and I knew I needed to trust in my husband lead...or if it was genuine peace.  Couple of months into it, the peace that was once there is slowly disappearing and it's hard to stay focus.  What does this mean? Did we make a wrong decision? Is this Satan attacking us so we are crippled with doing nothing?  I don't know.  Usually I go to someone to help me talk this out and figure this out biblically...but lately it's been a lonely road for me. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

New Chapter

Tomorrow I have to wake up, get ready, eat breakfast, get the girls ready, drop them off at school and then go to work.  That's a strange statement for me because I've been staying home with the girls since my first daughter was born.  I remember quitting my job and never going back because I had a new job of raising my daughters.  Now they are older, when did that happen, and I have a lot of time to myself, which is nice, but also unproductive.  So I'm going back to work.

It's a scaaarry feeling because after 9 years of not working or what it's like to be in the work field, you sort of do not know what to expect.  But I do know that I don't want my work to dictate who I am or have a priority in my life.  I need to remember that I am a wife first and then a mom.  Everything after that is just extra-curriculum activity.  I don't want to put things in from of my family and I know I can see the temptation that is there.  Our society defines a person by their job and I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to focus on the money I'll actually be earning and contributing to our account.  I don't want to neglect my kids when they are home because I'm tired from work.  I want my kids to see that they are more important to me than work.  So many new things that I need to figure out since I haven't been in this predicament ever.  But by God's grace and always reminding myself, I think I'll be fine and I know that the Lord is going to refine me through this experience.  

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Finding Happiness

Sunday morning our flight landed at 9:08am and we were home after exploring a foreign country for 1.5 weeks.  We were dealing with jet-lag but also we knew that it was the Lord's Day.  It was a struggle to figure out if we should stay home and rest or go meet with our church family who we haven't seen.  Someone once told me that when you take a vacation to get away, you should never take a vacation from the Lord.  So we decided to go and although we were all tired I knew that the Lord was going to bless us.  And He did.  Although it was difficult to pay attention to the sermon because of my tiredness, I tried and fought to listen.

The sermon was on Psalms 1

The Way of the Righteous and the Wicked
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. (Psalm 1 ESV)

and although I really do not remember the points our pastor gave (sorry for that) I do remember things he addressed, especially dealing with happiness.

It's funny to think how this one word "happy" can cause so many problems.  Being happy is not necessary wrong and sinful...but many times people have done whatever it takes to achieve it even if it leads to sinful lives or sinful decisions.  I shouldn't say "people," I should say ME!!  I make sinful decisions to obtain that word...when I forget what true happiness is.  When I forget who actually is my source of happiness.  I remember saying "how can it be wrong if it makes me happy?"  Actually I hear a lot of people say that and that's a scary mentality because it can cause so many people to do whatever they think is "happiness."

But that kind of happiness, the kind that I had before, was deceptive!  It caused me to only be happy when or if I had something.  I remember one time in college lying in bed after a party I went to and thinking how lonely and sad I was because the party was over.  I remember how being with my friends there, drinking and enjoying myself there was giving making me happy.  But it would disappear once it ended.  So I would always look forward to the next party, the next hang out with my friends, the next time I could drink...that wasn't true happiness...that was deceptive worldly happiness.

True happiness is only found in Christ.  It was at that moment lying in bed I realized how I've deceived myself to redefine happiness in a worldly perspective.  Because you see, when I truly understood that my happiness is in Christ who satisfy my heart...I could be alone and still have joy and peace.  I didn't need a party to make me happy.

And even though I am not in college and I have a family now, I still find myself redefining happiness.  I still find myself yearning for more to have that feeling of happiness. Forgetting that I am Christ's.  I allow myself to be deceived thinking that I can achieve happiness apart from the Father.  That I know how to obtain it on my own and even thinking that what He says in His word is wrong because "how can pain lead to happiness."  I didn't want to deal with my sins because I knew that would lead to hurt and hardship of doing what I don't want to do.  So it was easier to allow sin to dwell then to fight.  I found myself making excuses, rationalizing, and ignoring my sin because it was making me "happy."  But what I failed to see was that this "happiness" I was yearning for was the very thing that was draining my joy and peace.  This deceptive notion of happiness was the very thing that was killing my soul and even though it is easier to live in was not satisfying.

Praise be to God who didn't give up on me when I gave up on Him.  When I thought I knew better than Him about what happiness is.  How foolish does that sound? But that's how we act like and think like when we disregard His counsel or consider other things than Him to be happy.  Oh the Prideful self...and I'm glad that the Holy Spirit continued to work in my heart to continue to show me my sins even though I didn't want to deal with it.  I"m glad that my heart did not become so callous that I didn't hear Him.  And what great mercy it is to be redeemed because of Jesus' finish work on the cross.  That I know that I am His and that it is only through Him that I can have true happiness and joy.  That things, people, places can't be my source of happiness...but I'm glad that He blesses me with things, people and places to see His glory so I can turn back and find my joy in Him.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Spiritual Struggle is real

I've been a christian for a while now.  I've learned a lot about who God is, how He grows His children, and what is expects from His disciples.  I have read the whole bible at least once and I continue to try to read it daily...seeing and learning more about Him.  It's excited and humbling at the same time.  I have a Masters degree in Biblical Counseling and I've taken many theology classes.  I've read so many different books written by theologians explaining different aspects of Christianity and God.  And although in a worldly perspective I should have it all figured out...I don't.  I'm a weak soul that questions God's wisdom and fight to have faith in Him.  

Many times we read or study about something and in our prideful we say "oh I understand...I get it."  But we fail to see how weak we are with our understanding or how unstable we are that we actually don't get it.  And in those dark moments of uncertainty, questioning everything that you've learned or have been are at crossroad in your mind.  You either continue to fight and keep the faith that you have even though everything around seem so opposite of that idea or you simple walk away and try to figure out life a different way.  Honestly I've been on this crossroad probably 4 times.  It's not a simple crossroad for me, and it's not little mundane things that puts me at the crossroad.  I have a better understanding of myself after this last crossroad but I also scared myself.

As some of you know I've been reading "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer.  It's an excellent book and every chapter has challenged me to love and know God more.  I was actually sharing the chapters with a younger girl from my church desiring for her to love and know God more.  One of the chapters talked about God's wisdom.  How perfect it is, how it's not bound by time or situations.  Humans can say they are wise but they only can see a glimpse of what is before them and then they try to make a wise decision based on that glimpse.  But God...oh He knows everything; the past, the present, and the future.  But not only does He know situations but He knows everyone, completely.  So God's wisdom is beautiful because He knows whats the best possible situation for His children to go through for them to have the happiest joy in His Son, Jesus.  Amazing right?!?  When I read this chapter I was in awe.  I was so marveled about this truth.  I was amazed by Him.

Then on Sept. 18th I found out that my friend who was only 39 years old had a brain aneurysm and his wife, who was my friend, was suddenly a widow.  She had to tell her two daughters about them not seeing their daddy anymore.  My heart broke for them.  My friend was the kindest man I have ever met, I'm closer to the wife but it never seemed that way by how he treated me.  He loved God so much.  And as I was coming along side my friend it was so hard to praise God at that moment.  All these questions started to pop into my head.

Why him? Why so  young?  There are so many evil people on this planet and yet you spare their lives, why?  Question after question...and all my mind could think about was He is wise, but all I could think about is how is this wise?

I wanted to give up and take the easier road...but I kept remember my friend.  How he lived his life enjoying Jesus on earth and now he's in heaven completely enjoying Jesus.  I had to fight and take every thought captive to continue to trust in Jesus.  I pleaded, I cried out, I was humbled because I knew that the only way for me to truly trust in Jesus was by His grace.  Although I may not see how this death is good for my friend and her kids...I know that God is good and He loves His children.  She is His daughter and He is holding her hand and comforting her.  When I was at my friend's memorial service...God was so glorified in his life and death.  It was amazing to see how God used him to touch so many lives and he only lived for 39 years.  Today is his birthday and I can picture him smiling away with Jesus.

Sometimes we think we are strong and mature because we know so many facts and knowledge.  But how many of those facts and knowledge actually affect how you live your lives.  I remember when I use to teach the junior high sunday school...I would always say "what you know should affect how you live."  God wanted me to really understand what it means to trust in His wisdom and goodness.  I know I'll still be weak because I'm not with Him...but I know His grace is sufficient, when I am weak He is strong.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

He is glorious...

In chapter 6 J.I. Packer talks about the Holy Spirit and honestly it was a bit rebuking to read.  Although I know that the Holy Spirit is God and His job is very critical to my actions do not match up with what I know.  It was an eye opening to see how much I dishonor God by my or at least my lack of actions.  I know I am not consistent with relying on the Holy Spirit nor am I always mindful of Him.  I truly do try to live this life apart from Him.  I tend to forget that He is growing me, showing me my sins, and using me to glorify Jesus.  

Philippians 2:12-13 comes to mind, "12 So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."  I need to remember that I am responsible for working out my salvation but I can't just leave it there.  Which I fear that many believers do and that is the main reason why many don't grow or they are burned out.  I need to remind myself about the latter verse that it is God who is at work in me.  I can not neglect the fact that my growth is because of Him.  I can not take credit but all I can do is thank Him for growing me.  Thank Him for giving me the desire to seek Jesus more and more...thank Him for giving me the fire to read His word but more importantly thank Him for giving me an understanding of what I am reading.  Oh I would be so lost without the Holy Spirit and I fear that many churches are missing the point.  Discipleship without the Holy Spirit is just friends hanging out.  

Oh Lord help me to be mindful of the Holy Spirit remember who He is and what He is doing in my life.  Help me not take Him for granted but remember that He is glorious!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Knowing God by J.I. Packer - book study

I've joined this book study via facebook that is hosted by Tim Challies on Knowing God by J.I. Packer.  I'm not too sure if I read the whole book before but I do know I have read the beginning chapters.  It's awesome book to read but it's awesome to read it with other people who likes to post their comments and thoughts through the group.  I've been reminded a lot through the author and different comments. And although I can always share my thoughts via comments on the group page I find it is much easier if I blog about it.  Hopefully I am discipline enough to read through the book with the's a great accountability reading with other people.

We just finished chapters 3-4 and although I can not comment on everything that I learned or was reminded of I will highlight the things that stuck out.  

Chapter 3 ...Packer says, "What matters supremely is not the fact that I know God, But the larger fact which underlies it - the fact that He knows me." When I read that I was very humbled (ok this is what I also felt when I read chapter 1-2).  The God of the universe, who created the heavens and the earth...who existed before the foundation of the world knows me.  Why me?  It brings to my mind the verse Psalms 8:4, "what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" That's insane right?  Sometimes it's a bit scary to understand this...He knows everything about me, all my ins and outs, all my dark secrets and my sins.  It's easy to hide from the world what you are thinking and who you really are but it's also humbling to know that God knows everything about me and yet He loves me.  That's mad grace right there.  I don't deserve such goodness and love; I have done nothing to earn such a grace but yet because of who He is He has given me that grace.  How can I not love Him and trust in Him?

I remember when I was in college and I thought I had everything planned out.  What I wanted to do and who I wanted to marry after college.  I thought I figured it out all on my own because you know that's what life is all about...figuring out what you are suppose to do and who you are suppose to marry.  But God changed all that...and at the time it changed I was so angry and frustrated.  I couldn't see anything, I wasn't in control of my life...But He was and He knew exactly what He wanted me to do and who He wanted me to marry.  I always remembered Proverbs 16:9, "the mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." I was planning and directing in college...but He knows me...He knows what is best for me even when I don't see it or trust it.  He knows what will bring me the most Joy in Him even when at the moment I'm sad.  It's so awesome to have that peace and understanding that no matter what happens in my life, no matter how much I question why things happen...He Knows.  He knows everything about His children.

This brings joy to my heart.  This brings me a delight to my soul knowing that all things that I go through, all the trials that I face, all the hardship that I hear from other sisters and brothers in the Lord is what is best for them, even when we don't understand it.  The beautiful promise of Romans 8:28 is true, "and we know that all things work together for good, to those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose."  

I need to cling to His promises and trust in Him.  I need to know Him more and more and not just know about Him.  Praise the Lord for He is a gracious and good God.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Summer Struggles

June 6th is when summer vacation started.  Being a stay-at-home mom you would think I'm use to having my kids around me all the time...well guess what I'm not.  They both go to public school which I love, and ya I can homeschool them, but we decided not to so it's a whole new world for me when they are actually on vacation.  Don't get me wrong, I love having my girls home.  I get to learn more about who they are, make more memorable adventures and most importantly I can truly push them and point them to Christ.  They are with me for almost 24 hours let's say minus 8 hours for sleeping but all that time to influence them should make me jump up for why am I not?

Honestly I'm seriously tired.  Burned out. Exhausted.  From when they wake up all I hear is "mommy...mommy...mommy."  I'm not a single mom but sometimes it feels that way because although my husband will be home from work the girls still say "mommy...mommy...mommy."  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Going out and doing things out side the house seems the most logical thing to do because it keeps them distracted and entertained...also they fight less.  But going out also means me driving here and there, making sure they are hungry, and also making sure no one steals them.  I can't just relax and breath, I feel like there's no time to relax.

But God...full of mercy and grace allows me to rest in Him.  I find my peace when I actually read scripture or pray.  Ya I know I should actually have a schedule for that but during the summer I'm a mess.  There's so much room for sanctification. I find myself angry and short tempered.  And in the quietness of the room I see my sins.  I can not constantly keep focusing on ME...the selfish desires that I have.  Because God has called me to serve and love those who He has placed in my life.  And for the time being for almost 24 hours I have my girls, and of course my church family.  All of their sins and all of my sins clash so much and our prideful desires get in the way...but God is loving and forgiving.  Oh the joy of fearing the Lord.  My struggle is not my struggles are my sinful desires of wanting to put myself first. 

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