On Monday she turned one month old. I can't believe it's been a month already. These past weeks of her being here has been very difficult and draining. God has been showing me my sins, my weaknesses, and His grace. I knew once she came home things would be different, but I didn't fathom how different it would be. My fears would haunt me at times during the day; I would stare at her and think about how much I'm not loving her.
Being sleep deprived it has been easy for me to become frustrated and angry. I told Caleb once that I didn't enjoy being a mother. What a horrible thing to say right? I see all the other mothers at my church and see their joy of being moms. And here I am not loving it, sometimes wondering how it would be better if we didn't have her. I get so sad at times when I think about how horrible I am just thinking about it. I have been so jealous with Caleb because he has his "normal life" still. Everything about my life has changed and I'm hating it. Of course Caleb knows how I'm feeling and we talked about it. I've been praying so much and leaning on Him so much throughout this month. I don't want to hate my daughter.
And I see His grace because I don't. Although it's difficult being a mom, and there are times when I do not enjoy it and I wish it was us two only...I look at her and my love for her grows. She smiles at me and all I could do is hug her and kiss her. When she's sleeping I stare at her and thank God that He has blessed us with this little one. When I enjoy being a mom all I can do is thank God for how He is changing me.
She likes to be held. She likes to eat...all the time. She likes her pink swaddler, and being bounced on the big orange ball. Majority of the time she smiles right after she eats, but she also spits up so much that she smells like milk. She loves her Christian instrumental CD and looks at me when I put lyrics with it. She copies her daddy when he makes the "ooh" sound and forms the "ooh" with his mouth. She likes to sleep on her side, or on her favorite bed (daddy's chest). She makes noises when she sleeps, grunts when you bother her when she eats, and cries when she is getting changed. She does not like taking a bath but loves it when you hold her tight afterwards. She flare out her nostril, curls her lips like Elvis, and gives you a mean look when you are bothering her. She sleeps with her hands above her head and her lets curled together.
This is my daughter...its only one month and I'm learning a lot about her. Praise God that He continues to sustain her life and gives her another day to live. Praise God that He has poured His grace upon me that I don't want to hurt her, throw her away or anything like that but that my love for her is growing. Praise God that we have a loving husband and daddy that comes home every night happy to see us and is not too tired to play with her and make me feel special. God has definitely blessed us with this first month.