Saturday, January 11, 2014

A fight for Contentment

In 5 days I’ll be 35 years old. I always told myself that I didn’t want anymore kids after 35 because of the high risk it comes with. I have two beautiful daughters which I love and adore (most times) but I really thought I would have more, at least 4. I haven’t been on birth control for about 2 or 2.5 years now and still no baby. When I got pregnant with my two girls it happened so fast, that I didn’t expect. I would have rather have it take a bit longer but I got pregnant right away. My dear husband says he’s content with two girls. They are now 6 and 4; they are no longer babies. My youngest will go to Kinder next school year which really means she is no longer a baby. I try to be content, trust in God’s plans for our family, and even try to understand that this is where God wants our family. But honestly it’s really hard when everyone (well it seems) around you had a baby or just announced they are pregnant. One after another I see my friends announce the joyous news that they are pregnant. And honestly I am happy for them but every announcement I get sad. Does that show that I’m discontent? It’s a mental thing I have to fight. It’s also hard when people around me continue to ask “are you guys going to have more?” They don’t know what I’m going through, they don’t know that every time I see a baby my heart hurts a bit. I just smile and say “that’s up to God.” Which is true and I need to believe that as well not just say it to other people. My husband asked me why I would want another baby and my answer is…I just do. I don’t know if that’s a valid answer or even a good answer to try to have one but I can’t explain it. I just want another baby. I take care of my little nephew and he’s adorable. I love playing with him and just seeing him grow. Of course it’s different because he’s not with me during those sleepless nights or those terrible tantrums. But when he’s here this unspeakable joy comes to my heart. Ya it’s hard because he’s so dependent on me when he’s here but I love seeing his smiles and faces. God created me to be a mom that nurtures others. I do have two other girls that I still need to nurture and grow; and learn how to be patient with them and just love them even when their sins come out. But I’m just scared that I’m going to regret not having more. But even that I need to trust in the Lord. I need to trust that His plans for our family is the best and no matter what; having two kids only is His will for our family I need to be okay. Not just okay with it, I need to be grateful and happy. He knows me better than I know myself and I need to trust in His goodness for all of us…not just me but the three other people in this family. Lord help me to be content in all things.

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