Spiritual Struggle is real

I've been a christian for a while now.  I've learned a lot about who God is, how He grows His children, and what is expects from His disciples.  I have read the whole bible at least once and I continue to try to read it daily...seeing and learning more about Him.  It's excited and humbling at the same time.  I have a Masters degree in Biblical Counseling and I've taken many theology classes.  I've read so many different books written by theologians explaining different aspects of Christianity and God.  And although in a worldly perspective I should have it all figured out...I don't.  I'm a weak soul that questions God's wisdom and fight to have faith in Him.  

Many times we read or study about something and in our prideful we say "oh I understand...I get it."  But we fail to see how weak we are with our understanding or how unstable we are that we actually don't get it.  And in those dark moments of uncertainty, questioning everything that you've learned or have been taught...you are at crossroad in your mind.  You either continue to fight and keep the faith that you have even though everything around seem so opposite of that idea or you simple walk away and try to figure out life a different way.  Honestly I've been on this crossroad probably 4 times.  It's not a simple crossroad for me, and it's not little mundane things that puts me at the crossroad.  I have a better understanding of myself after this last crossroad but I also scared myself.

As some of you know I've been reading "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer.  It's an excellent book and every chapter has challenged me to love and know God more.  I was actually sharing the chapters with a younger girl from my church desiring for her to love and know God more.  One of the chapters talked about God's wisdom.  How perfect it is, how it's not bound by time or situations.  Humans can say they are wise but they only can see a glimpse of what is before them and then they try to make a wise decision based on that glimpse.  But God...oh He knows everything; the past, the present, and the future.  But not only does He know situations but He knows everyone, completely.  So God's wisdom is beautiful because He knows whats the best possible situation for His children to go through for them to have the happiest joy in His Son, Jesus.  Amazing right?!?  When I read this chapter I was in awe.  I was so marveled about this truth.  I was amazed by Him.

Then on Sept. 18th I found out that my friend who was only 39 years old had a brain aneurysm and his wife, who was my friend, was suddenly a widow.  She had to tell her two daughters about them not seeing their daddy anymore.  My heart broke for them.  My friend was the kindest man I have ever met, I'm closer to the wife but it never seemed that way by how he treated me.  He loved God so much.  And as I was coming along side my friend it was so hard to praise God at that moment.  All these questions started to pop into my head.

Why him? Why so  young?  There are so many evil people on this planet and yet you spare their lives, why?  Question after question...and all my mind could think about was He is wise, but all I could think about is how is this wise?

I wanted to give up and take the easier road...but I kept remember my friend.  How he lived his life enjoying Jesus on earth and now he's in heaven completely enjoying Jesus.  I had to fight and take every thought captive to continue to trust in Jesus.  I pleaded, I cried out, I was humbled because I knew that the only way for me to truly trust in Jesus was by His grace.  Although I may not see how this death is good for my friend and her kids...I know that God is good and He loves His children.  She is His daughter and He is holding her hand and comforting her.  When I was at my friend's memorial service...God was so glorified in his life and death.  It was amazing to see how God used him to touch so many lives and he only lived for 39 years.  Today is his birthday and I can picture him smiling away with Jesus.

Sometimes we think we are strong and mature because we know so many facts and knowledge.  But how many of those facts and knowledge actually affect how you live your lives.  I remember when I use to teach the junior high sunday school...I would always say "what you know should affect how you live."  God wanted me to really understand what it means to trust in His wisdom and goodness.  I know I'll still be weak because I'm not with Him...but I know His grace is sufficient, when I am weak He is strong.