Cognitive Dissonance

When I was in college I got my Bachelors Degree in Psychology and Social Behavior with a goal to be a counselor.  That plan didn't actually happen professionally but I do find that I counsel myself a lot.  And this morning I realized I'm experiencing some cognitive dissonance with this move.  Basically my thoughts and actions are not consistent.  In my head I know that God is in control, His plans are perfect, and He works all things together for good to those He loves and He calls.  I know that Caleb wanted this new job for the family and that in the long run it is best for our family because he has an inconsistent type of job since it's all by contract base.  I know God's promises, His love for us and that He will never leave us...BUT...my actions does not show those thoughts. 

When people ask how I'm doing up here, how I'm adjusting, how I'm settling...I say I'm ok, the girls are good and we are freezing.  But what I don't say is the internal struggle that I have and the private moments I have with my hubby.  It's been almost 3 months now and I think within those 12 weeks being here, I think it was only 1 week that I didn't joke/tell my hubby that I wanted to move back home.  I see how I have been so mean to him with my words and actions because "you moved us here" always plays in my head. 

I know it will take some time to actually be okay with moving here.  I miss laughing so much about stupid stuff that my friends and I do or say.  I miss calling someone to watch the girls so Caleb and I can go out since we personally know those who watches our girls.  I miss visiting my nephews and seeing my girls interact with them.  I miss my coffee dates with people, dropping off the girls at school and doing the latest school gossip or just having breakfast with moms.  I know the Lord is working because He is a working God.  And I know that this move will be great for our family... but for the right here and now...it's hard to act on those thoughts and I know the Lord is refining me. 

To fix cognitive dissonance something has to change...either your thoughts or your actions.  And I know it's my actions that are not aligned with the biblical truth that I hear in my head.  Not that I need to force myself to be ok, not that I have to ignore these feelings, and not that I have to fake my actions, but I need to rely on the Holy Spirit to help me truly believe in His goodness and allow that to be expressed with my actions.  I need to focus on Him and His goodness, seeing His wonderful works and His amazing grace and allow that to change how I see my situation.  I need to be ok with being refine.  I need to know that through the hard times and struggles He is still good.  Change is hard and scary...and even messy and this girl does not like it.  It's going to be a daily struggle to honor the Lord with my thoughts, motives, and ACTIONS. 

Oh Lord help me!!