He puts up with me...

Yesterday during the message a verse struck deep inside me...Acts 13:18 "For a period of about forty years He put up with them in the wilderness."  This made me think about my own life and how the Lord has been putting up with me and all my foolish ways, thoughts, and desires.  He has been so patient with me even though I know I have been a difficult child many times.  It is only by God's grace and His mercy that I still walk with the Lord.  If this whole relationship with the Lord was only based on my own works and my desires...I'm pretty sure there would be no relationship.  

Being a psych major can be difficult on how one thinks and challenges with how you view things.  To the world being a Christian doesn't make sense.  There are so many arguments they say contradict it and there was a point in my relationship with Jesus that I started to question everything.  I specifically remember walking down a flight of stairs after a psych class thinking "maybe Jesus doesn't exist" and "maybe it was all made up."  I wanted to live my life the way I believed was the best way and at that point in my life following Jesus made it difficult.  I could have just walked away and denounce everything I started to believe...BUT GOD who is super merciful started putting so many thoughts in my head that made me dismiss my own thoughts.  God could have just let me go, had enough of my selfish ways and selfish desires as a college student...but He didn't.  Instead He started to grow me and convict my heart of all my sins that I was holding on to and letting me see that His way is the best way even though I may not understand it.

You would think that I learned my lesson about thinking I knew better and trying to do things my way...but just like the Israelites I continued to turn back to my selfish ways and desires.  I laugh about it now and realize how foolish I am when I try to be God.  Fast forward to our first year of marriage.  I had a full time job and Caleb was still waiting on an engineering job, but while he waited he was working at Whole Foods in Torrance and we lived in Anaheim.  Oh boy did I not like his schedule and how I question him working out there.  Foolish Geneyem stepped in and I started to think "why can't he just stay home and I work full time...things would be better that way." Oh how foolish I am when I think I know better than God's plan.  Little did I know that the Lord was going to show me my foolishness by allowing Caleb to hurt himself snowboarding which made him lose his job and stay home.  And it was through His kindness that He wanted to show me that His plans are better than mine and that when I try to be God, I am not a happy camper!! So glad that God blessed him with an engineering job just in time for me to quit my job and welcome our first born girl.  

There are so many moments in my life that I can recall that God had to put up with me and yet never left me.  He lovingly disciplines me and shows me my foolishness but will always love me and show me His grace and mercy.  I do not deserve any kindness from Him and yet He gives it to me and my family.  I pray that this year, 2020, I have less of those foolish moments...trying to be God...thinking my ways are best...and just trust in His plans and His wisdom.  I pray as I enter my 41st year of my life that I will humbly submit to His leading and guidance and know even when I don't get my way that doesn't mean things are going wrong or bad.  That He has not forgotten me or that He doesn't know what He is doing.  I pray that this year of my life I am more align with His kingdom plan and that I continuously pursue Him and fall more in love with Him.